Friday, April 15, 2011

Lost and running...

When I started getting really fat and out of control, I think I distanced myself from a lot of friends and acquaintances because I was ashamed of how I looked. There were other factors as well, including losing a job, which was embarrassing at the time. (It was in December of 2006, a time right before the economic crisis when collecting unemployment or being fired was not something that others related too.) People who I thought were my friends, would tell me that working at Starbucks as a barista was 'beneath me' and 'it was glorified fast food'.

It was like the people I thought I knew faded away, because I didn't have a high profile job with a fancy title or because I wasn't involved in the local Chamber or Rotary. I couldn't afford to go out to the nice restaurants in Olympia, and have martinis with girlfriends Sex-And-The-City-style. I couldn't afford a gym membership, heck I could barely afford rent.

Instead, I was slingin' their coffees and lattes in the morning. They didn't understand it was because I hated what I was doing before, wanted a fresh start, wanted to work at a company I respected, and that I was doing something I was damn good at; all they saw was that I was serving them.

Looking back, I'm not sure if it was me or them, who changed. Probably a bit of both. A vicious cycle.

With the help of my new pouch, life is getting a bit better. Everyday seems brighter. I'm more active. More energy. But looking back, I'm realizing that I am feeling a little bittersweet. I'm sad that I let myself get to that point. A point where I was so unhappy. I'm sad to think that I avoided a lot of friendships because my social, economic and physical statuses changed so drastically.

But out of this, by working for a company that was 'beneath me', I was able to get health insurance to help pay for gastric bypass... I learned who my real friends where (tho saddened how few I really had)... Some days I still feel really alone, surely I can't be the only one? Sure each of us has different reasons and paths, but sometimes I feel that this journey of WLS is a lonely one.

For the first time in a long time, I'm focusing on myself first and foremost. But rather than taking that energy and getting the instant gratification from food, I'm channeling it in ways that make me a healthy person. And that feels good.

I didn't realize all the emotions that would come along with having this new pouch. I have become accustomed my streamlined, lean lifestyle, tho I look forward to the day I can have it a bit more complex. I used to be such a 'yes' girl, and I'm not anymore:

I'm a 'me' girl.

(On a side note, the title of this post comes from a song performed by an Australian band called Powderfinger. Its from the album called Dream Days at the Hotel Existence, if you are curious, iTunes it.)


  1. I have often told people that the WLS journey is harder mentally and emotionally than physically. I guess that's the way it should be. After all if we don't deal with the crap in our heads what are our chances of keeping it off?
    I've learned that it's okay to out grow your friends, or so called friends. The more you think of yourself and how good you really are you are not willing to compromise on who you let close to you. You deserve friends who accept you no matter what size, job, or financial happenstance you happen to be in. Support and love is what they should provide, not criticism. Enjoy finding out who you really are. It won't be easy, but it sure is least that's what I've found.

  2. I believe no job is beneath a person. Earning a paycheck is a valiant thing. Regardless if it is from McDonald's or IBM.

  3. @Colleen, thank you that was very well said :)

    @MS Chunky, I feel the same way :)