When I started getting really fat and out of control, I think I distanced myself from a lot of friends and acquaintances because I was ashamed of how I looked. There were other factors as well, including losing a job, which was embarrassing at the time. (It was in December of 2006, a time right before the economic crisis when collecting unemployment or being fired was not something that others related too.) People who I thought were my friends, would tell me that working at Starbucks as a barista was 'beneath me' and 'it was glorified fast food'.
It was like the people I thought I knew faded away, because I didn't have a high profile job with a fancy title or because I wasn't involved in the local Chamber or Rotary. I couldn't afford to go out to the nice restaurants in Olympia, and have martinis with girlfriends Sex-And-The-City-style. I couldn't afford a gym membership, heck I could barely afford rent.
Instead, I was slingin' their coffees and lattes in the morning. They didn't understand it was because I hated what I was doing before, wanted a fresh start, wanted to work at a company I respected, and that I was doing something I was damn good at; all they saw was that I was serving them.
Looking back, I'm not sure if it was me or them, who changed. Probably a bit of both. A vicious cycle.
With the help of my new pouch, life is getting a bit better. Everyday seems brighter. I'm more active. More energy. But looking back, I'm realizing that I am feeling a little bittersweet. I'm sad that I let myself get to that point. A point where I was so unhappy. I'm sad to think that I avoided a lot of friendships because my social, economic and physical statuses changed so drastically.
But out of this, by working for a company that was 'beneath me', I was able to get health insurance to help pay for gastric bypass... I learned who my real friends where (tho saddened how few I really had)... Some days I still feel really alone, surely I can't be the only one? Sure each of us has different reasons and paths, but sometimes I feel that this journey of WLS is a lonely one.
For the first time in a long time, I'm focusing on myself first and foremost. But rather than taking that energy and getting the instant gratification from food, I'm channeling it in ways that make me a healthy person. And that feels good.
I didn't realize all the emotions that would come along with having this new pouch. I have become accustomed my streamlined, lean lifestyle, tho I look forward to the day I can have it a bit more complex. I used to be such a 'yes' girl, and I'm not anymore:
I'm a 'me' girl.
(On a side note, the title of this post comes from a song performed by an Australian band called Powderfinger. Its from the album called Dream Days at the Hotel Existence, if you are curious, iTunes it.)